Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures

Me: I’m older and wider

Them: don’t you mean “wiser”

Me: nope

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs

Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

[at my intervention]

mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.

[on a first date]

Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Sorry. Not sorry

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today