Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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middle school in the ’90s
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”