Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite

2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.