Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

him: i need some space

me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Same pineapple, same

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

Batman had the bat signal.

If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

[first date]

HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?

ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…

Me being confident.

I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???