Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
What legos do when we’re not looking.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
🤣🤣💀
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
4yo as he’s falling asleep: Mom, when I’m a grown up and have my own house, will you come live with me?
Me: of course, bud.
4yo: Good, because I’m going to need a lot of help taking care of the snakes.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech