Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
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[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?