INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
TRAIN’S HERE
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.