HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
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Every girl when a guy touches their hair…
My background check bounced.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”