INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?


People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio


Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.


GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.


In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.


FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.


“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion