@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

You Might Also Like

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

@PJTLynch

People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio

@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.

@faisaladam_

In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.

@Tommytoughstuff

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

@DanielRCarrillo

“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion