INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
The 6 types of sex
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I drew y’all a little something.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”