Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.