Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Big Sex has us all fooled
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?