Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.