Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
This is always good for a laugh.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.