Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
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Blocked: 1985
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
