Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

No time to explain get in the wood chipper

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

regrets?

[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]

yeah i’ve got regrets

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you