Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
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Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Not today.. 😂
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
