interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
You Might Also Like
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds