interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃