interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!