Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.

Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Buck naked

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

*immediately after a hysterectomy*

ok weigh me now.

I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.

When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

My day planner

1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep