Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.

There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity

him: how

me: with his mouth

My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.