Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

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Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m


You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel


If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.


(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!


Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes



ME: did the dog put you up to this


I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.


Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.


IT:have you deleted your cookies?

Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left

IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?