Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
You Might Also Like
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
If you guys don’t start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don’t make me ruin this for everyone.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.
Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?