Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Autocorrect completely socks
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird