Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
You Might Also Like
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!