INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it