Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

“Hermit crab” describes me twice.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?

cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

A ghost story

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax

Sorry I made promises on Friday