INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
as the prophecy foretold
