Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.