Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”