Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.