Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.

She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

12653.

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.