Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Trying
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Good Morning.
From my Mom
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.