Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

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Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.