Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.

Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.

In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.

Seems kinda suspicious

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”