INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
sensitive skin
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
The A string on my guit_r is flat