Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.

fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt

me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*

fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Well, that didn’t work.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.