Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car