Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.