Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.