Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later