interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
good work, everybody
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast