Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues

The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.

Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.

I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

3: I wuv you Mommy.

Me: I love you too!

3: Don’t talk to me.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.