Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*

Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing

Please, I have a family

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.