Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.