Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
