Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Goat cheese is for herders.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I love wikipedia
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…