Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
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Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
honestly, i need both:
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Not today
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
They’re called werewolves.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Customize Your Wedding.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click