Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

we did it you guys we saved daylight

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.