Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
If you breakdance you buy dance.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently