Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
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Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
sin harder.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word