Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
The first one, obviously
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
socratic questions
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
1st package: elaborate ribbon! precision corners! glittering magnificence!
4th: wrapping paper, some tape
15th: plastic grocery bag, staples
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules