Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Every
Single
Year
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?