Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask