Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..