Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
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[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
me and my fake scenarios
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns