Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea

[10pm]

me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.

She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too