Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]

guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you

4 dentists: [in agreement] no

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar