Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.

i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.

Wish me lick.

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.