Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

The internet is full of many things

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

jesus christ confetti not now

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.