interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said![]()
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*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants