interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
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I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.