Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.

therapist: no.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?

Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.

*plane missed the runway

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.

*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father