Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”

– Worst ER doc

There are usually two types of merchants.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Meanwhile in Portland…

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Um, my eyes are up here.

-giraffes

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.

Holy moly

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.