Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.

automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT

My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

That’s commitment

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

this is uni

I’m not proud

Friend: *texting* come out tonight

Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.