Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
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Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?