Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy valentine’s day to me

More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.

Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

(Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”