Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

Doctor: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

Writing, She Murdered.

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

But is it really??

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.