Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Your secret is safeish with me
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?