Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Sheer Arrogance”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?