I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
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This makes total sense…
Me: “I gotta do things” …
Body: “you did things yesterday shut up”.
men: women are very hard to read
women: actually, we just want-
men: such complex creatures
women: if u just liste-
men: so mysterious
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
*cleaning out wallet*
Wife: Why don’t you just buy a new one?
Me: What? This thing’s practically brand new
*finds Nirvana ticket stubbs*
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
You guys, my mom wants to know if any of you are going to give her grandchildren.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious