Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.