Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster

shaggy: no problem

cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine

shaggy: haha lets not do that

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –

my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

[haunted house]

Me: I’m terrified

Jessica: is it the rattling chairs

Erica: is it the bleeding doors

Sarah: is it the possessed portraits

Kate: is it the shaking coffins

Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before

👀

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.

Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?

Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.

Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.