Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy

also me: lady i’m doing my best

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

I like to take long walks away from stupid people.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…