Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Close call…

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

GMO bananas: turn brown for what?

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

A drum solo but on your face.

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that