Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

Priorities

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

Who knew!

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.