Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.