Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously