Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.

A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.

“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”

“What’s that Sarge?”

“Someone’s building a pig.”

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!

Me: Choose how you want to die.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”

Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra