Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
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*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed
Cat owners: I took garbage out one night
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”