Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.

I’m Local Man.

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

the rocks need my help

“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

oh my gosh!!

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*