Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.

[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured

me: [only hurt my leg] what

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

This is so wrong 😂