Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
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Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
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Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
They grow up so quick
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Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”
And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more