Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.